A Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong What?
by Polyethene Pam
Summary: Chaos in the Gryffindor Common Room, courtesy of the one and only Sirius Black.
1. Chapter 1

_Gryffindor Common Room, 1977._

'Padfoot, I'm not so sure about this, that doesn't look the least bit healthy...' Remus Lupin's face appeared over the book he was immersed in, staring at his roommate, friend and fellow Marauder with apprehension etched across his face.

'Nonsense, Moony my boy! You are talking to a first rate scholar, a top Potions master, a certified genius, I daresay! Now, where's that Flobberworm Mucus?'

'Okay seriously, don't get that mucus anywhere near those bee-'

'Moony, your negative attitude is not conducive to a productive atmosphere. Now kindly remove thy stick from thy arse and shut up.' Sirius had donned an old pair of James' glasses (one had to properly assume the role of mad genius, you see) and was now looking down at Remus over them, a mockingly condescending expression on his face.

It must have been near Remus' time of the month, for he took the insult to heart. He stood up abruptly, knocking his book to the floor and proceeded to rub his hands together in a rather odd fashion. 'This,' exclaimed an irate Remus, 'is me washing my hands of you, Sirius Black! I refuse to die at your hands for the sake of one of your fatuous ideas!'

'Moony, please. You're embarrassing me. Come on, be cool.'

At that, Remus harrumphed, swiftly picked up his book and flounced off, muttering something that sounded something like '10 O.W.L.s, I ask you... bloody terrorist, going to blow us all to bits...'

He joined Lily on a squishy sofa, a look of anguish marking his tired features. Lily glanced at him amusedly, half-mockingly patting his knee and kissing his head before turning back to her conversation with Alice. Somewhere nearby, James Potter accidentally incinerated his Transfiguration textbook. He remained oblivious to the fact, maintaining a death grip on his wand as he glared at his lycanthrope friend. How _dare_ the furry bastard betray him in such a manner.

With all this going on, and Peter gazing adoringly at Sirius in a rather love struck fashion, no one noticed anything amiss until Alice turned her head at Sirius' mad cackling, just in time to witness him positively beside himself with glee as he dumped a load of valerian roots into the cauldron, cackling 'BEHOLD, AS I MAKE HISTORY' as he did so. Rolling her eyes, she turned back to Lily and Remus when out of the corner of her eye she saw him reaching for... no, Merlin's saggy bum, he wouldn't be _that_ stupid...

'SIRIUS, NO!' Alice shrieked, as she leapt off the sofa and lunged at the dark haired youth. Said youth was startled out of his wits at the sudden display of ferociousness from the mild-mannered Alice, and in his surprise, dropped the uncorked vial of Erumpent pee he was holding into the doomed cauldron.

_BOOM!_

Darkness and silence befell the Common Room, though the blessed silence only lasted an infinitesimal moment, as screams erupted all over the room. The darkness would not go away, the Common Room was now pitch black.

'Okay, everyone calm down!' Lily was in responsible Head Girl mode now. 'We all know how to use our wands, let's just all use 'Lumos' and see what we're dealing wit- oh dear Remus, I think I dropped my wand into your lap, hang on...' Hearing this, James lost all sense and lunged at where he had heard Remus' voice coming from moments before. He fortunately knocked into the werewolf, bringing him down to the floor before proceeding to attempt to find his neck to try and strangle him. A scandalized Lily blindly tried to stop the ruckus, to little avail. Hearing all this, the younger Gryffindors resumed their wailing, though to a lesser degree - they were rather interested in the scuffle occurring just then.

'_James Leland Potter!_ What do you think you're doing? Get off him!' She reached for him, finding an arm belonging to said Potter, and pulling with all her might.

'Defending my pride, my territory! No one has the right to touch you but I!' exclaimed a crazed James loudly as he struggled with the diminutive redhead. 'Now let me go and allow me to make this right!'

_Smack._

'YOUR TERRITORY? I don't belong to you, you miserable excuse for a human being!' (she secretly wished otherwise) 'Now stop trying to kill poor Remus, he didn't lay a hand on me, you baboon!'

'WELL I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE YOU MINE, THEN!' James suddenly lunged at Lily, attacking her lips (lunging was quickly turning into a popular alternative to walking that night). The redhead's muffled and outraged protests soon died down, giving way to new, sickening noises which sounded as though the pair were thoroughly enjoying themselves (Lily later denied any of this, pleading temporary insanity).

The Gryffindor's daily quota of drama satisfied, the screams started back up yet again as the students realized that Lumos had no effect on the darkness. Upon hearing of this, Alice lunged a second time at the perpetrator, punching him with all her might, as Sirius let out some uncharacteristically high-pitched screams (which he would later attribute to Peter - one had a reputation to protect, after all).

'What is _wrong_ with you, you festering dung heap? Are you trying to be intentionally thick? Didn't you _listen_ in class when Slughorn warned us about this?' screamed Alice, accentuating her words with a variety of punches, slaps and kicks, leaving Sirius whimpering in fear and pain. 'Where the fuck did you even get Erumpent urine, you miserable oaf?' Sirius merely thrashed, trying to escape. Alice scared him witless sometimes, and this time was no exception. Alice, enraged at the lack of response, raised her arm, prepared to deliver a particularly painful blow to his gut, when all of a sudden the portrait banged shut.

Light, glorious _light_ enveloped the Common Room.

Standing at the portrait hole was Minerva McGonagall, who, for the first time anyone could remember, seemed to be at a loss for words, as she took in the scene. The Head Boy and Girl, one on top of each other, both parties looking decidedly dishevelled; Remus Lupin curled up on the floor in the foetal position, muttering something under his breathing and nursing a red neck; a fuming Alice Blishwick on top of a battered-looking Sirius Black, who had horror in his eyes, as though he'd just experienced something incredibly traumatic; the first years all huddled together in a corner; the second and third years in various positions all over the Room, bearing expressions of fear and confusion.

Minerva surveyed the sight over her glasses. After what seemed like an eternity, she cleared her throat.

'I... I don't even want to know.' With that, she turned and slowly left through the portrait hole. There are some things she would really rather prefer not to know. Good Godric.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus Lupin was in a bind. Literally. His legs and arms were bound by thick ropes. He glanced sourly at his captor, a certain tall handsome git with grey eyes that stared half-crazedly into the depths of his cauldron.

'Thought you'd pull a fast one on me, eh?' muttered Sirius, as he appraised the contents of said cauldron with a satisfied smirk. If the cauldron had any good sense it'd know to melt itself and take one for the team, but alas, it was a mere piece of useless pewter. 'Sirius Black isn't rumoured to be brilliant for nothing, you know. I'm as deadly as I am charming.'

Remus rolled his eyes at this, but knew better than to reply. Not that he could - Sirius had decided to gag him for extra measure. However, he was able to emit sounds at intervals, to convey his mood or opinion on the current situation.

Sirius ignored the muffled indignation from the lump on the floor and stirred the contents of the aforementioned cauldron excitedly, adding a discordant mixture of ingredients that should never be encountered in the same room, let alone a cramped metal repository situated over a fire. As Remus prayed fervently to the heavens or Anubis or whatever it is that could save their necks, Peter Pettigrew chose to make his entrance, walking down the stairs of the boys' dormitory with a spring in his step and whistling a jolly tune. Said whistling and spring disappeared upon the dreaded sight, and the boy looked ready to wet himself as he took in the sight before him.

'Sirius, are you sure this is a good idea?' he asked nervously of his personal God and role model, who was busy depositing what looked suspiciously like Doxy eggs into the murky solution.

Sirius waved his question away, and pointed to the armchair closest to him. 'Sit, Wormtail, for you are about to witness wonderful sweet, sweet history in the making, when I am declared the Ultimate Being of All Time. You may want to record this auspicious moment in history for posterity's sake.'

'B-b-but Sirius, a-are you-u s-s-sure...' The words died on his lips as Sirius glared at him. 'Sit!' he commanded imperiously, pointing once more to the chair. Peter squeaked nervously and acquiesced immediately, hoping fervently that his bladder would hold out. It was then that he noticed the terrified huddle of students on the other side of the room, their eyes transfixed on the cauldron, which was currently rocking from side to side. This only appeared to delight the Black heir even more, whose dark locks were looking even more voluminous with the fumes from the potion. Peter admired their natural bounce for a few moments, forgetting about the situation at hand as he gazed at the natural shine of Sirius' ebony hair with something akin to lust in his eyes.

He was happily daydreaming of handsome hair bows to match Sirius' flawless complexion when James made his entrance, jovially walking through the portrait hole, pulling a bedraggled-looking Lily Evans by the hand, who looked satisfied yet mildly perplexed. Judging by the state of James' shirt buttons; it appeared that they had just finished off a rather successfully productive Head Boy and Girl meeting.

James literally froze at the sight of his best friend looming over the unfortunate cauldron and stared over his shoulder in horror at his paramour, who had the good sense to look terrified at the prospect of what the dark haired miscreant could unleash on the victims in the Common Room.

Steeling herself, Lily gingerly made her way to where the tall youth stood. "Sirius, what are you up to over there?" she called sweetly, using the same tone one might use with a toddler on the verge of an explosive tantrum (extra emphasis on the explosive).

The mad Marauder turned at the mention of his name, and his eyes rested on the wary redhead. "Evans!" he exclaimed jubilantly, striding over to her, slinging an arm around her neck and all but dragging her back to the potential Vesuvius. "My dear Potions swot, just the person I needed to see! I need a consult."

Lily forced a smile, and looked up at her captor. "Is that so?"

Sirius waved away her remark and reached for a bottle. "What would happen if I added Tears of Acheron to a mixture that already had Billywig Stings?"

Lily blinked in surprise. "Well, nothing, I suppose, Acheron Tears aren't so volatile a substance, though one does have to take into account saturation levels of the potion at hand and the purity..." Lily broke off, sniffing the air anxiously. "Sirius, what else did you put in that cauldron? Sirius?" she was already beginning to sound frantic, but Sirius had stopped listening after "nothing" and was studiously dumping the contents of a small bottle into the cauldron, paying her no heed.

"Sirius, please tell me you didn't add Alihotsy leaves to the cauldron!" Her voice had risen to a squeak, and at the sound of her plea Remus' eyes widened in understanding, and the panicked werewolf began to thrash like an eel in a misguided attempt to break free and escape. Sirius looked up at the ruckus, and then at Lily. "What was that? What's wrong with Moony? Does he have ants in his pants? It's a dreadful affliction, you know, I recall a woeful summer in which my beloved friend Pron-"

"NO ONE CARES SIRIUS, DID YOU ADD ALIHOTSY LEAVES TO THE CAULDRON?" inquired a hysterical Lily, her spit flaying Sirius in the face. He was too scared to wipe it off.

"...Yes?" he said, at which Lily blanched. Sirius enjoyed the comical manner in which the blood drained from the poor girl's face, until realization began to dawn on his handsome, deranged features.

"That's not good, is it?" But he was speaking to empty air, for Lily had turned and was attempting to run at breakneck speed towards the Portrait Hole. Alas, our beloved redhead was no great runner, much less in school shoes and a skirt, and was still within range when the cauldron reached its breaking point and decided to dash it all and retire to a better place.

When the smoke eventually cleared, the surface area of the Gryffindor Common Room was laden thick with a milky gelatinous substance with the sticking power of what seemed like industrial glue. It also had the unfortunate side effect of making the room resemble the inside contents of a pubescent boy's handy sock. Groans erupted all over the circular room, as its inhabitants slowly peeled themselves off the floor, some crying from the stinging sensation caused by the mixture as it got in their eyes. Many heard a door slam, but paid no mind. The culprit lay dazed on the floor, his eyes ablaze in wonder as he pondered what he had just done. Remus, who resembled a fat white worm rather than a human being, lay deathly still, emitting whimpers at intervals. Lily was sprawled on the floor. Her long hair had decided to glue itself to the floor, and she was having considerable trouble unsticking it without ripping half of it out of her scalp. James writhed on the floor, clutching at his eyes and howling in pain.

Just then, a creaking voice rang through the room, and there appeared McGonagall, who deftly held between her fingers the ears of a certain Peter Pettigrew, whose features belied feelings of sullenness, fear, and pain.

"Mr Pettigrew here was trying to make a run for it, though I would've hoped a student of mine to be a little sharper of mind and remember to clean himself thoroughly if he were to hope for any chance of an inconspicuous escape. It is of no interest to me the reason for this atrocity, though I can assure you that none are to leave this room until it is spotless." She glared at the room until she was satisfied that everyone felt sufficiently ashamed, and with an imperious sweep of her robes, made a swift exeunt, thoughts straying to the contents of her biscuit tin and the tea she so desperately needed to cool her ire.

Everyone turned to glare mutinously at Sirius, who remained blissfully unaware of the sheer amount of hate directed his way. He merely clapped his hands and stared around at them all. "Well, this isn't going to clean itself, you know. Pip pip!" He opened his mouth to say more, only to be promptly assaulted by a gaggle of enraged first years.

Lily, having won the battle with the floor and sloughed off the worst of the goo, wearily made her way over to her boyfriend, who was resting on the side of a sofa, gazing into the distance. "Are you all right, James?" she asked, resting a hand on his shoulder. James started, but then collected himself and gazed adoringly at Lily. "Brill. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but the mixture hardens over time, and it's all over your hair... and well, I know you love it so, but we may have to shave it all o..."

_Thunk._

James had fainted.


End file.
